- My daughter exhibited “mean girl” behavior that led to a meeting with the school dean.
- Embarrassed and upset by her behavior, I feared for her future relationships.
- I had to remind myself that we should continue to model empathetic behavior at home.
My stomach turned when the school dean called my husband and me into a conference to discuss our first-grade daughter’s behavior with another classmate.
In the meeting, we learned our daughter consistently left her classmate out of group activities. For example, every time the girl went to sit with our daughter at lunch, our daughter got up and sat at another table.
Saddened by this behavior, my husband and I reflected on our parenting. Hadn’t we emphasized kindness in our home and modeled empathy? How often did we tell our daughter about times we experienced bullying as kids — that it hurt our feelings and left a lasting impact? Our daughter seemed touched by these heart-to-hearts, but her behaviors proved otherwise at school.
It was embarrassing for our daughter to act catty toward her classmate, and it was a good reminder that while I can influence her behavior, I cannot control it.
Children are their own persons, shaped by a combination of factors
Of course, my husband and I felt embarrassed and humbled by our daughter’s choices. While we laugh at Regina George’s character in “Mean Girls,” we don’t want to raise a mean girl.
Aware that my reaction was fear-based, I turned to some simple truths to gain a better perspective. By nature, they are egotistical, Jillian Amodio, a licensed social worker, told Business Insider. “It’s a survival skill but a frustrating one at times when they exhibit behaviors we deem “unacceptable, inappropriate, or socially crippling,” Amodio said.
Further, children “don’t have a perspective of the long game,” said Patty Johnson, a clinical psychologist. “Their ability to plan, organize, and follow through is short-sighted, whereas we parents tend to predict far into the future of our children’s lives. If they have a tiff at school with another student, the child may be focused on the incident that occurred, while parents may worry about how their child may get along in life, make friends, and find a partner that will tolerate their unruly behavior.”
I struggled not to see my daughter’s behavior as a character flaw instead of what it was — an immature person learning to navigate a difficult relationship. If adults are prone to struggle in relationships — and our brains are much more mature — then how can we expect children to get it right every time?
This was a good reminder that my daughter’s catty behavior didn’t necessarily reflect my parenting or who she would grow up to be.
I give room for her to talk to me about things that happen
“But it wasn’t just me!” my daughter defended. “I got up because another girl said, ‘Let’s sit over there!'”
While my daughter’s behavior was unkind and inexcusable, the more I peeled back the layers, the more I found that her view of what happened was complex and tangled in her other relationships at school. She isn’t a natural-born leader and often takes her cues from others. As we discussed her behavior, I found she usually reacted and modeled it off her peers.
Continuing conversation at home helped my daughter change her attitude toward the girl she was being catty to. When she found ways to include her in school activities, my husband and I cheered and celebrated her thoughtfulness. If they had a misunderstanding, she felt safe bringing it to me or my husband so we could discuss it. That girl made the top of her guest list when my daughter’s birthday party arrived.
Even though my initial reaction was embarrassment and fear, ultimately, I learned to release that and provide my daughter with a safe place to process this relationship’s intricacy. While it was a tough situation, it helped us set a better foundation of parent-child trust and communication and, I hope, grace for each other.
