- Growing up, I always felt that my parents favored my cuter, funnier sister over me.
- As a mother of two, I sometimes see myself favoring one child over the other.
- I don’t feel guilty about seeming to have a favorite child at times, but I do look for balance.
When my youngest son was born, I craved spending time with his older brother, then 4, as the newborn stage is probably my least favorite part of having young kids. That phase of 24/7 breastfeeding and never ending night duty seems to be rewarded with little more than milk- and poop-stained clothes, and if you’re lucky, blank stares and unreciprocated cuddles.
Older kids, on the other hand, can hold a conversation, eat, and go to the bathroom themselves (mostly), and make for great companions over a movie and lunch. Hanging out with my oldest while his little brother was in his so-called fourth trimester gave me a welcome respite from my role as milk machine and sleep enabler. It’s safe to say that at that time, he was my favorite.
Things keep changing
Two years on, and that needy newborn is now a cheeky toddler overflowing with cuteness. He told me recently that daddy should change his diaper because mommy did it earlier. He regularly says, “Bless you,” when I sneeze. While he’s the worst at hide and seek — revealing his location before you’ve even begun the search — his supply of cuddles is plentiful.
My recently turned 6-year-old, on the other hand, spent the majority of his birthday party bossing his friends — and me — around, throwing in for good measure a meltdown over party game and prize politics. It’s clear to see that the tables have turned, and who the favorite child is now.
But I realize playing favorites is a more dangerous game this time around. Unlike a newborn who has little awareness of the world around him, my older child is a fully sentient little human. While I don’t feel guilty about often siding with his little brother when arguments blow up over who was playing with what toy, I’m definitely conscious of my oldest feeling isolated and developing some kind of inferiority complex.
I felt this growing up
I’m conscious of all of this because I know what it feels like knowing who your parents might favor at one time or another. Growing up, I often felt my younger sister was the favorite child. She was cuter and funnier and she had nicknames and inside jokes with my parents that I didn’t have. She was offered singing lessons and after-school sports, things that were not made available to me.
I don’t want history to repeat itself
I often questioned how this dynamic with my parents and I came to be, and I know I don’t want my oldest having to go through that potentially demoralizing thought process. At times I can sense his disappointment and frustration at feeling like he’s being overridden all the time, and this will sometimes come through in his behavior. For example, my youngest is more danger prone so will often get into some kind of sticky situation and need rescuing plus a cuddle. My oldest will then immediately invent a sore leg or arm to also get a cuddle and take the attention away from his brother.
So despite being a sucker for toddler antics, seeing how my oldest processes and reacts to this means I have to remind myself to show him some obvious displays of love. I don’t feel guilty about seeming to have a favorite child at times, but I do look for balance and I intentionally remind myself to choose each of them first at times.
How I find balance
It can be hard to show love towards a child that is behaving in a way you don’t want, and naturally, it’s easy to do that with a child that is cute and funny, and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But I know that sometimes you have to pull yourself together to focus on the bigger picture, and choose what’s hard.
For example, while I’d love to spend bedtime tickling my toddler until he’s laughed himself into exhaustion, I always hand over my youngest to my husband for the final stages of bedtime so I can have a few moments alone with my oldest. That’s when we chat about the day and I answer any of his burning questions about life. It’s those moments of alone time with my oldest that help remind me what is also lovable about him. He’s his own person, so finding intentional pockets throughout the week to appreciate that — and let him know that I do — is really important.
But as my toddler is starting to enter his tantrum era, I’m appreciating my 6-year-old more and more with every additional bedtime demand that comes from his brother’s room. So just as the tables once turned, no doubt they’ll do so again soon.
