I met my ex in Spain, on a warm October night in 2024. He approached me as we were both walking home from a boxing class and confidently started a conversation.
About two weeks later, we went on our first date. A few months after that, we took our first weekend trip together. In April, he surprised me with a key to his home. By June, I’d moved in.
Our relationship was built on genuine care for one another. Throughout our relationship, we always sought to support each other’s well-being and growth. Of course, we had bumps here and there, but they were never significant enough to change our respect for each other.
That’s why, when we agreed to break up in August because we saw our lives going in different directions, I wasn’t at all surprised that we found a way to continue living together.
We broke up, but I stayed at my ex’s house
Aaliyah Alexander
Under normal circumstances, I would’ve moved out as soon as possible. I’ve always believed that you can’t start to heal from a breakup until you cut all ties and communication with your ex.
So, I bought the boxes, tape, and bubble wrap, started looking for apartments, and began packing.
But then two weeks later, I lost a freelance contract that contributed a significant portion to my income. This, coupled with the fact that I was already in the middle of a lengthy visa process to make Spain my long-term home, only added to the stress of going through a breakup.
Seeing the distress I was enduring, my ex sat me down and suggested that I continue to live with him until I was able to get back on my feet again.
My first thought was that people would think I was out of my mind for choosing to live with an ex. Then, I started weighing the pros and the cons.
If I stayed, housing would be one less thing I’d have to worry about … but every day, I would have to see someone I’d just broken up with. Worst of all, I’d have to treat my ex like a roommate, as if we didn’t just spend the past two years in an affectionate relationship.
If I decided to move out, I wouldn’t have to see my ex every day, and I could focus on healing my broken heart alone — but I’d be in a tough financial situation.
Unlike my ex — who’s lenient and open to pulling some extra weight when I can’t make rent or contribute 50/50 on utilities — I knew that a landlord wouldn’t necessarily care about my personal situation once the first of the month rolled around.
I chose to keep living with him.
At first, there was an adjustment period
Aaliyah Alexander
Those first few weeks were awkward. We’d already had separate bedrooms because of my ex’s insomnia, but the changes to our routines and interactions felt foreign.
Instead of getting a text inviting me to come cuddle with him on Sunday mornings, my phone remained silent. Instead of getting ready and walking to the gym together in the afternoon, I started going in the morning.
Instead of sitting down to have dinner together, we ate at different times in different rooms. Whenever we saw each other, we would force a smile, say hi, and go our separate ways.
We didn’t acknowledge the strangeness of our situation until one moment broke down the barrier. I was used to having crying sessions in my room, but this time, one snuck up on me while I sat in the living room. The stress of my breakup, finances, and living situation had just built up too much.
My ex was passing through the living room when he saw me crying and gently asked if he could give me a hug. I nodded.
This interaction prompted us to finally discuss the elephant in the room (well, house): Living with your ex is weird. Simply addressing the situation and talking about how we were both coping instantly made it feel a little bit lighter.
We found a new way to live together
What followed was a conversation about how we wanted living together to look like. We knew we were doing something unusual, which was daunting, but also meant we were free to make our own rules.
Our first decision was to stop acting like strangers. Barely acknowledging each other’s existence just didn’t work for us, so we welcomed a level of friendliness into our new relationship.
Then, we decided we’d continue offering each other a certain level of emotional support. My ex recently took a leave of absence from work to heal from burnout and contemplate his next career move.
Meanwhile, I was struggling to find full-time work and sustain the life I was building abroad. Being there for each other when one of us needed a listening ear felt important.
Lastly, we agreed not to cross any lines that would confuse the other person. We weren’t in a romantic relationship anymore, so we decided that any affection beyond a friendly hug would be prohibited.
With this, our living situation went from something that felt unbearable to something that works for us. In the next few months, I plan to save enough from my freelance work to move out. Until then, I’m happy knowing I have a home, even if it’s with my ex.
