When my daughter, now 9, started kindergarten, I was very surprised that her school asked parents to take time off from their busy schedules to help in the classroom, during field trips, or at special events like book fairs.
Coming from France, I was accustomed to a different approach. There, schools are viewed as strictly professional environments where only trained and certified individuals participate. Parents receive little encouragement to interfere in school activities.
Upon realizing that American schools are more community-oriented and value volunteer involvement, I decided to give it a try. It turned out that volunteering was not a good fit for either my child or me, and I never did it again.
I felt useless when I volunteered during a field day
I volunteered once during a field day. There was nothing special to do, just standing on the sidelines and cheering for the children, which made me feel useless and uncomfortable. Most of the other volunteers were moms, closely supervising their kids, while others chatted on the side of the field. I didn’t see the point of taking some time off to make an appearance, especially since my daughter didn’t seem to care.
I also noticed that not everyone can be a good volunteer. The best ones know how to engage with all the kids, not just their own, and do so patiently, even if children behave poorly. I found the experience overwhelming, and helping behind the scenes, such as by giving money for a party, is a better solution for me.
Courtesy of Virginie Romary
School is my daughter’s territory, not mine
Giving my child independence is essential to me, as it fosters self-confidence and resilience. I view school as the perfect place to be separate from parental presence and to be more independent.
Since I’m not a volunteer, my daughter knows I won’t be physically there to help her navigate her school life. Relationships with her peers and teachers are her responsibility. If one classmate behaves obnoxiously, she needs to develop her own coping skills and try to solve the problem independently.
She can also express herself more freely at school without my involvement. If I were there volunteering, she would act differently and seek my approval instead of being her true self. By letting the school be her personal space, I show her that I trust her to figure things out. This makes her proud, confident, and happy.
I’m involved in my daughter’s education in many other ways
Not volunteering doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my child’s education. It’s quite the opposite. I believe in education, having earned a master’s degree from a renowned French institution. I have high expectations for my child, but I prefer to step back.
I participate in parent-teacher conferences and open houses. For the rest of the year, my interactions with the teacher are minimal. I let her do her job and trust her to inform me if she has any concerns. When I speak about her or the school, it’s always in a positive way, as we are on the same team.
Each day, my daughter and I discuss school. By showing interest in what she chooses to share, even if it’s just a game at recess, she sees that her school life is important to me. While she manages homework independently, I provide her with a quiet place and time to do it properly. Missing school is rare, usually due to illness or other uncontrollable factors, not dentist appointments or extra vacation time. This sends her the message that education is the priority.
I appreciate parents who volunteer, but my choice not to do so doesn’t make me a bad mom, simply a mom who knows what works best for her and her child.
