My grandmother got ovarian cancer in her 70s. The initial sign came on New Year’s Eve, when Gram, who often said overeating was one of her greatest flaws, thought she had simply done that. She had eaten too much Chinese food, and that was why she threw up. Or so my grandmother reasoned.
Next came the weight loss. She’d struggled with her weight for most of her adult life, so the pounds falling off suddenly was concerning. She’d been a shining example of a healthy older woman until the cancer diagnosis.
Gramps, on the other hand, had health battles from birth. He was born with hydrocephalus, or water on the brain. Time after time, he faced health issues. He had back issues from the military and heart issues starting in his late 40s. He went out on permanent disability after his third heart attack in his 50s. He had heart disease, testicular cancer that he beat, and throat cancer that stole his voice. It also caused him to go into cardiac arrest long enough that we thought he would have brain damage. He did not. Gramps was never healthy, but always strong.
My grandfather was terrified of my grandmother’s diagnosis
They both were. Each in their own way. Both of my grandparents were strong-willed, built of the toughest resolve. They were hard workers who had been born to immigrants. They had each worked their way up in their respective fields and had shown me the value of an unwavering work ethic. Gramps went to work through almost anything. Used to battling one form of illness or another for most of his life, he still continued to move forward. Illness never caused any sort of weakness in his determination.
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As strong as my grandfather was, when he found out my grandmother was sick, it terrified him. He wanted, and had always planned, to be the one to go first. He was the sick one. She was the rock, at least in terms of physical health. Because he had never planned to live without her, there were so many things he didn’t know how to do. The tasks of managing the house fell to my grandmother. When she discovered she had cancer, my grandfather was lost in so many ways.
Their marriage wasn’t easy
While their marriage had not always been easy, they had always loved each other. My grandmother, who had been married twice before, insisted the third time was the charm. Cliché, but true. Gram and Gramps shared a mutual love of socializing, trips, and outings on the wooden boat we owned. The weekends of my youth were filled with visits from their friends. They often flew off to tropical lands, without my brother and me.
Illness brought them together in a different way. It was a deeper connection, perhaps because they knew it would be the thing to take them from one another. Or maybe because they were sharing a new experience. Either way, they battled it together. Gram and Gramps learned to appreciate and love each other in a pure and infinite way.
While I’ve witnessed sickness pull people apart, for my grandparents, it strengthened their marriage. They lived in the present and left past slights behind. It was an unbelievable journey that I felt blessed to watch. I remember my aunt saying that illness had changed them, softened them. She was right. While Gram and Gramps’ bodies were weaker, illness had made them better versions of themselves.
They died months apart, but at the same time to the minute
When Gram went to a rehabilitation center for an extended period, Gramps’ health declined. He entered the hospital in July, and we got to spend his final hours with him. He died on July 7. Gram, one of the strongest women I knew, showed grace and fierce tenacity when he died. She brought us comfort by sharing a letter that she and Gramps wrote together about their wishes after death. I still have that letter.
Gram died three months later. Remarkably, it was at the exact hour and minute that my grandfather did. Their unfaltering devotion to each other, while battling illnesses that would end their lives, taught me what devotion really looks like.
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It was remarkable to watch them fall in love all over again and let go of all the past wrongs. Until they got sick, I hadn’t thought much about the marriage vow, “In sickness and in health.” Through their renewed commitment in the hardest times of their marriage and their lives, I finally understood.
Marriage lasted beyond the initial phase of love and became something far greater — undying devotion until the very end.
