Living With My Adult Daughter Has Been Unexpectedly Joyful

There’s a world of difference between raising a teenager and cohabiting with a verified adult. But sometimes they need to come back home, just like mine did.

My own kids were eager to get out of the house and set up their own homes. Right now I’m sharing space with a mid-20s kid who is desperately trying to accumulate enough money to move into her own apartment.

Despite her desire to be on her own, we get along beautifully and enjoy one another’s company.

I went back and forth when it came to rent

I’ve been living with my adult children on and off for several years, and the situation remains fluid.

For example, I’ve been back and forth about asking them to pay rent. At one point the rule was that if you lived at home and were in school it was free to stay here and if you were out of school you paid (fairly minimal) rent. I wanted them to feel a little pressure to get it together, make some money, act like the responsible adults they wanted to be.

At this point I know my daughter is good with money, and I’d rather she saved it for her eventual move, so she doesn’t have to pay to live here. Setting a standard is important, but then again so is flexibility.

The part of rooming with your grown-up kids that’s challenging for a lot of us is recognizing that they are, in fact, adults. Which means that if they’re over 21 they can drink if they want to, or ingest cannabis if that’s legal where you live. They can come and go as they please. Of course we require basic respect, as we would of any roommate, but you don’t really get to set the rules of behavior anymore, at least when they’re outside of the house.

It’s a different type of parenting

It’s so tempting sometimes to just tell them what to do. Obviously I want my children’s happiness above all else, but it’s not my job to secure it for them. I’ve moved from a parenting role to more of a coaching model. We talk through their options and I keep my mouth shut once they’ve made their decisions. It’s not my business, but it’s really hard to keep my thoughts to myself when they aren’t welcome.

I’d do anything for my kids, and sometimes I forget that doing for them isn’t helping them develop their independence.

The big difference between living with my kids versus living with another adult is that I am prone to extreme empathy with the kids (call me an emotional pushover). I listen to way more complaining than I’d put up with from anyone else and I have a tendency to drop what I’m doing when they need me to listen to their difficulties or help them with tasks.

I know I’ll miss her

Honestly one of the biggest challenges I have living with my kid right now is that she’s a total night owl. She’s at her entertaining prime right around the hour I’m trying to get to bed. I’ve relinquished many hours of sleep talking about movies, the state of the world, the ins and outs of the music industry, who’s who in the world of track and field — you name it.

These hours are among the sweetest of my life. Someday she’ll be gone, ensconced in her own little home, and as I brush my teeth I’ll miss her following me around the house, dropping nuggets of comedy gold, letting me peek into her heart and her brain. I’m so grateful to have had this extra time with her.

I’ve made it clear to both of my kids that there is always a home for them with me. I think I’ve managed to raise really smart, kind, capable people. And I guess that’s the secret to having a really great relationship with your live-in adult kids; raise them to be good roommates and you may reap the benefits yourself.