When I was married to my first husband, I learned during a routine gynecology exam that I had an issue that could make pregnancy and childbirth complicated.
Yet, four months into my second marriage, I became pregnant with our first child. As it turned out, that earlier diagnosis did not prevent me from getting pregnant or cause any complications.
My husband initially did not want children, and he took the news hard at first. But then he surprised me. He embraced the idea of fatherhood more fully than I could have imagined.
Raising our daughter has been challenging in all the ways people warn you it will be. It is exhausting, relentless, and humbling. But it has also changed us irrevocably. She made our lives bigger. She turned ordinary days into an adventure, even when we are running on fumes.
That is why one night, when I was weepily looking at her baby photos, I turned to my husband and asked, “When can we have another?”
He shot it down as quickly as he could. “I don’t want any more kids,” he said. “She’s perfect for me.”
Since then, we have had that difficult conversation a hundred more times, and his answer has stayed the same.
I’ve had to create a safe space to talk this through
The question of having a second child isn’t an easy one to answer.
“It is a common challenge for couples,” Amber Trueblood, a licensed marriage therapist, told me recently when I told her about our rift. “Parenthood is hard on a marriage, and for some partners, the idea of doing everything all over again isn’t exciting. It’s terrifying.”
The hardest part for me is that my desire feels so clear. I can picture another child in our family. I can picture our daughter with a sibling. I can picture the kind of home I thought we were building.
But my husband’s no is not coming from nowhere, and neither is my yes. Trueblood reminded me that in most couples, there are real reasons underneath each position.
“Perhaps one partner feels financial pressure or fears passing on a genetic anomaly, rendering them incapable of imagining the benefits of having another child,” she said. “Or one partner fears raising their only child without siblings because of their own very special sibling relationships, rendering them incapable of imagining raising an only child in a happy and complete way.”
I do not know if that applies to us, but I’m now trying to broach the subject from a new angle: explaining to each other why we want what we want. Trueblood explained that when neither person feels pressured and can openly share their beliefs, the conversation can shift.
Courtesy of Claire Volkman
“Without feeling that pressure, each person is much better able to absorb and explore both their own feelings and their partner’s feelings,” she told me. “You may find a shift happens in one or both partners if neither feels they are being challenged or manipulated.”
I debated leaving, but I’m staying no matter what
Should I leave? This is the question I do not want to ask, but it is there. There really isn’t a compromise that gives both people what they want. You either have another child or you do not.
Trueblood told me that in these situations, partners have to ask themselves a hard thing honestly. “Can I release my frustration and resentment toward my partner so that we may have a strong, healthy, loving relationship moving forward and a happy home for our current child(ren)?” she said.
For some people, the decision is straightforward. They want another kid, their partner does not, and they are not willing to negotiate. Other people find ways to feel fulfilled in the life they have, or hope feelings shift as their child grows.
Instead, I’ve found fulfillment in relishing my one child and spoiling her in ways I couldn’t do with multiple. Pouring into my daughter has helped a lot.
I’m still a little hurt, and my heart aches every time someone I know announces a pregnancy.
The book isn’t over, though, and it’s a conversation we sometimes broach when tensions are very low. Whether we end up with more or live with just our perfect one, I know it will be the right decision for us.
Navigating this struggle together is a testament to the strength of our relationship.
