“What’s the relationship between you guys?”
“Are you two brothers?”
“Is that your ex?”
These are just a few of the questions my family might get whenever someone tries to figure out exactly what’s going on in our household.
For the past three years, I’ve had two romantic partners simultaneously. During that time, we’ve navigated toddlerhood, pregnancy, and now life with two kids — all under one roof.
People are often nervous to ask questions when they first hear about our situation. But I always say I’ll answer anything asked with genuine curiosity. I know our life isn’t typical, and most people have never met a woman with two male partners outside the pages of a spicy romance novel, but it works best for our family.
I went from a traditional relationship to a polyamorous household
I first met Nick in college in 2018, and we have been together ever since. The two of us have moved across the country (and back), gone through a miscarriage, job loss, and in 2021, we welcomed our first daughter.
But by late 2022, something felt off for me. I loved our life together, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing.
With my therapist’s guidance, I started exploring the idea of an open relationship. It took me months to bring the topic up to Nick because I didn’t want him to think I was unhappy or that he wasn’t enough for me. To his credit, he met the idea with compassion and curiosity.
In April of 2023, I met Christian through a dating app. Right away, it became clear that he was someone I wanted in my life and as part of my family. His openness, which I had struggled to find elsewhere, felt natural and easy, even though this experience was a first for him as well.
Integrating a third partner, especially with a child, took time and effort. There were lots of conversations and logistical adjustments that we had to navigate together. There were awkward discussions and emotional growing pains. How do we tell our families about this? How do we explain this to our then 2-year-old? How do we mitigate jealousy? Where are we all going to sleep?
Then came the baby conversation again.
Courtesy of Victoria DeVita.
Parenting as a team of three
Even before Christian moved in, the decision to have a second baby was a big one for all of us. Nick and I wanted another child, but we also wanted to include Christian in the conversation. We talked through fears, hopes, and what this new chapter would mean for our family. It was a moment that underscored the importance of being honest, intentional, and aligned as a unit.
When Christian moved in a few months later, it required more adjustments. We moved into a three-bedroom apartment that could accommodate everyone, including my growing baby bump. We had to establish new routines, the aforementioned sleeping arrangements, and figure out how to integrate everyone into daily life.
When Christian came into our lives, our first child was only 2, so there wasn’t too much we needed to explain to her. Now that she’s 4, we’ve had more conversations about how Christian is her parent, just like mom and dad. She mostly calls him Christian or Tin Tin, but also acknowledges that he is her dad as well.
This last year has shown us that parenting together is our main focus and our strength. Details that used to send me into a logistical spiral now flow smoothly. Christian handles the morning routine for our now 4-year-old, while Nick takes charge at bedtime. We all share responsibility for the baby during the day, stepping in wherever needed. School drop-off and pickup vary depending on the day, and we coordinate those days carefully so nothing falls through the cracks.
We make a point to present a united front. If one parent says no, the others honor that decision (although our daughter has definitely taken advantage of the moments when we haven’t compared notes yet). We all attend as many events as possible, including doctors’ appointments, parent-teacher conferences, and birthday parties. Sometimes we rotate, sometimes we all go, but the message is clear: every parent is committed and present.
This teamwork makes life smoother and enables us to support one another emotionally. When one of us is exhausted, the others step in without hesitation. I believe the kids benefit from multiple perspectives, consistent attention, and a household where collaboration is consistently modeled.
Our life works well for us
People often assume polyamory is about romance or novelty, but for us, it has become about parenting, teamwork, and intentional communication. Our children are loved, supported, and surrounded by adults who show up for them and for each other.
Our oldest daughter does not question why she has three parents. To her, this is normal. When she draws family portraits, all three of us are always included, hand in hand.
For me, that is what family looks like. Not defined by tradition, but by love, presence, and shared responsibility.
