An impromptu inspection of my oldest son’s phone revealed some shocking information: He has started dating.
While my wife and I were both delighted to find out our 12-year-old was growing up and exploring the dating pool, it also made us both realize how negligent we had been about keeping up with health and sex education. That’s when we immediately sat him down for “The Talk” — the sex talk.
As we sat at the kitchen table, the remains of dinner still in the kitchen and our teenager looking more awkward and uncomfortable by the minute, it made me wonder: Were we too late?
I put off the sex talk for so long
I think I neglected sex education for two main reasons.
First, my son only recently started showing interest in dating. One day, he’s covering his eyes and groaning when actors kiss in movies and shows, and the next, he’s dating a girl. We had assumed the change would arrive gradually, and instead, like so many parents, we were ambushed by puberty.
Secondly, memories of my own sex education were making me unsure about how to handle my current situation as a parent. My mother was a nurse, so sex education was delivered by way of awkward health videos, lectures, and books that broke down the intermingling of human anatomy with bland drawings.
I also spent a lot of time with my church’s youth group and was exposed to abstinence-only material. While I’ve always viewed abstinence as a valid option, abstinence-only education purposely neglects all the many other concerns and challenges that come from being sexually active.
While my church-approved sex education did a lot of work to sell the joys of sex after marriage, it did nothing to address the challenges of pregnancies, STDs, and the uneven social and gender implications surrounding the act.
So, I didn’t really have a clue how to broach the subject with my kid.
I also worried I had the wrong expertise to help my son
I feel I know more than the average white heterosexual man, but becoming a parent tested my confidence, especially since kids today are facing new challenges.
My teenage son is actively swimming in the dating pool, and my advice is more than a couple of decades out of date. For example, is the old trick about bananas and condoms still a good visual aid?
I’ve been married for 21 years, so I can only imagine what has changed.
We had an open and honest talk
I made trips to the library for additional information and visual aids (I’d recommend “It’s Perfectly Normal” by Robie H. Harris as a starting point), and I reacquainted myself with sex-positive writers and educators who provided more information to me as a parent.
As it turned out, “The Talk” has turned into multiple talks as new questions were posed. Since he was already dating, we had to start with the basics about STDs and pregnancies before moving on to the social challenges of displays of affection and appropriate levels of contact.
We faced all these conversations with honest and open minds — awkwardness be damned.
He listened and learned a lot, ultimately deciding to focus on school and extracurricular activities for the time being.
That’s when I realized it’s never too late to have the sex talk.
