In 2024, my sister, then 59, quit her job as a mental health nurse to become our parents’ full-time carer.
She said it was a no-brainer because it was the only way Dad, now 90, and Mom, 95, could stay in their own home.
Their minds are fully intact, but the years have taken their toll, affecting my dad’s mobility — he uses a walker and a wheelchair — and my mom’s breathing issues.
I am forever grateful to my sister for doing their cooking, cleaning, and laundry every day. Lately, her duties have included assisting Dad with dressing and getting in and out of bed, too.
I felt gratitude and guilt
It preyed deeply on my mind that I lived in New York, 3,000 miles from my family in northern England, where the inevitable process of their aging played out.
I felt a combination of gratitude and guilt that my sister was on the front line, mindful that she was now in her sixties and that her caregiving impinged on her own retirement plans.
She and her husband had forgone a number of vacations — or canceled them at the last minute — because of our parents’ health needs.
They hardly ever got the opportunity to meet their 31-year-old son, who emigrated to Canada in 2019.
My husband and our two kids visit the UK every summer. My sister welcomed us with open arms. Still, it was never the case of my stepping into her shoes and providing respite care while I was there for those stays.
Our trip this month, however, was different. We agreed that she and my brother-in-law should fly to Vancouver for two weeks to visit my nephew while I held down the fort.
I was looking forward to seeing Mom and Dad, but also daunted. I’d never worked in the caring profession and was scared I’d mess up. What if something bad happened on my watch?
I tried to hide my frustration
The first day was a disaster, despite hiring a health aide for an hour to get my dad ready for the morning.
My sister left me clear instructions about cleaning the bungalow, washing clothes, and heating each lunch — their main meal of the day — that she’d prepared in advance.
I zoomed around the kitchen, wiping surfaces and deploying the vacuum. I turned my attention to the bathroom before stuffing the laundry in the machine and hanging it outside.
It took forever to help Dad put on his leg and ankle brace, a rigid, plastic frame to keep his foot at 90 degrees, made difficult by the Velcro wearing away.
I tried to hide my frustration, but he must have caught the irritation in my voice.
Courtesy of the author.
Next, I opened the freezer and asked Mom what they wanted to defrost for lunch. To my surprise, she looked bewildered.
“I don’t know,” she stammered. “You’re asking too many questions, and I can’t think straight.”
I helped lift Dad from his recliner to his walker, but he looked miserable and defeated, too. I couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong.
Then he uttered the phrase that was to become my mantra for the following weeks. “Slow down,” he said.
He explained that I’d been operating at 100 miles an hour, making them feel rushed and confused.
The slowdown brought joy
I’d made a rookie mistake by going too fast. Mom and Dad needed peace and calm at their age, and I’d given the opposite.
It took a while for me to change my ways. There were moments when the snail’s pace got on my nerves. Everything, whether it was escorting Dad to the car or waiting for Mom to find her reading glasses, seemed to take so long.
Still, it reaped rewards. We spent hours sitting in my parents’ conservatory, sharing anecdotes about the past. I played their favorite jazz and blues music on Spotify, and we watched the World Cup.
Yes, the kitchen wasn’t as clean as it might have been, there were dishes in the sink, and the bed sheets weren’t changed as regularly. But it didn’t matter.
The deceleration led to happier, less-stressed parents who seemed to enjoy my company more. The days we spent before my sister returned were joyful, simply because I learned to shift down.