This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Kathy Davidson, 61, who has raised two of her grandsons in North Carolina since they were born. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I raised three children, two girls and a boy. My son and older daughter have been doing well and are working hard. I left my ex, and then I met the man I’m married to now. We’ve been married for 26 years.
I worked in construction and hotel housekeeping. You name it, I’ve done it. I used to work with my uncle laying bricks and painting houses. I hurt my back and shoulder at work one day in 2015, and now I’m on disability. I’ve been on a limited income since, earning $997 a month, and it’s been very hard.
My husband works as an electrician, and he’s 66. He earns $18 an hour, which works out to about $615 a week after taxes.
I have custody of my 2 grandsons
My younger daughter was born three months early. She got into modeling, and at a competition with 4,000 women, she came in the top 10. She was doing well until my husband lost his daughter to cancer. She left my house by the time she was 18.
She had two boys, who are 11 and 8, and they were both born with medical issues. I started taking care of the older boy when he was 5 months old. He was found in unsafe conditions and wasn’t healthy at all. His mom went to jail and wrote out a paper saying that she gave me custody and had it notarized, but it took forever because she was still reluctant to give him up. At 3, the court decided to give me custody of him. I got the younger one straight out of the hospital.
When I finally got custody, the judge decided that their mom would have no visitation.
We didn’t even think about foster care when we got them. My husband decided that we would take them in because he raised two of his kids by himself. He helped me raise my soul.
We can’t do whatever we want anymore
We used to go wherever we wanted to, and now we can’t. We look for things that we can do without breaking the budget. We have taken the boys hiking and camping, the stuff that I grew up doing, and they love it. Their grandpa has definitely spoiled them in whatever way he can.
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We didn’t get child support until six months ago, and we get $236 a month now for each boy through the state. It’s not much, but it helps pay for a few things that they need, and we set aside some of it in their savings accounts for college. My parents and my aunt would help me out with birthdays and holidays. My mom gives each of them $20 a month, and I don’t let them spend it. They put it in their piggy banks.
We pay $1,050 a month in rent, and the power is included, but it took everything to come up with that amount. I would do some housekeeping for a friend’s mom to make extra money to buy clothes, and the church we go to has a clothing bank. One of their mom’s past boyfriends is still around and will help the boys out and spend time with them.
I’ve tried to raise them as well as I can. I told them that, first of all, you do not lie. I put this into their head. I put them in timeout and take their phones a lot. My husband is a lot more lenient on them, but I’ve decided to be tougher. It’s important to discipline them while they’re young. I’ve also encouraged them to work for everything they want.
I’ve also learned to listen to them. The boys will sometimes stand their ground, but other times they’ll tell on themselves. It’s important to work with them and hear them out.
I’m very proud of my grandchildren
I’m very proud of the boys, and they know it. They both are on the autism spectrum, and the older one has Tourette’s and ADHD. Both made it onto the honor roll. The older one is getting ready for middle school and gets some extra help at school. He’s very quiet, and it took him until last year to start making friends. I am scared of what will happen when he gets to middle school.
It took some time for him to get more confident. He believes he isn’t smart because kids in his class say so. I told him he’s capable of going to college and having a future. I need him to believe that he can do whatever he wants, but he has to really want to do it. He has a journal where he writes down what he wants to do and the steps he has to take to get there.
My husband and I try to set aside as much as possible to get them what they want, like gaming systems, even though they know it’s hard for us. We don’t lie to them about our finances. We know the boys make sacrifices, and they shouldn’t have to. They should be able to be children.
It’s just as hard on the grandkids as on the grandparents. They feel their parents don’t love them. They go through a lot of emotions.